One of the greatest traditions of the Indianapolis 500 isn’t on track at all. Take the vast cross-section of racing ultra-fans and loopy midwesterners, add enough alcohol to drown the entire German state of Bavaria, and you’ve got yourself the best people-watching on the planet.
Sadly, I wasn’t physically in Indianapolis this year—that honor went to David Tracy, who confirmed that Fernando Alonso is a beautiful-smelling human being with his own lucky nostrils.
Fortunately for the rest of us, fans at Indy are more than happy to tweet the wonders of Indianapolis Motor Speedway’s most insane days for day drinking and obsessive fandom. BEHOLD!
You can’t have a properly debaucherous Indy 500 without getting pumped up by a mulleted man shouting “FUCK DAYTONA!” next to a guy in a Ricky Bobby costume and LMFAO’s midwestern cousin. This is no NASCAR partying amateur hour! (Wait, why is Ricky Bobby here? Whatever, just roll with it.)
Indianapolis’ infamous Coke Lot campground will not be out-partied.
Nor will the rest of Indy.
“If anybody wants to see my husband’s penis, it’s hanging out,” is proof that ABC should hire this woman for the main race day broadcast.
If you thought the older fans would be over it, oh no. This distinguished gentleman in a “Fuck You, It’s Carb Day, You Fucking Fuck” shirt begs to differ. Partying at Indy knows no age limit.
If you’re going to dedicate yourself and your poor, embattled liver to America’s most prestigious oval race—our sole leg of the Triple Crown of Motorsport—you’ve got to go all out for America.
Here’s one fan who is so patriotic, so DEDICATED to AMERICA! that he sunburnt the Stars and Stripes right onto his chest. Bald eagles everywhere just shed a single tear at the very sight, and Ford Raptors across the nation jumped in joy and subsequently blew out their suspensions. Holy crap, this sunburn is a masterpiece. I would say that I will never be as American as this guy, but giving up is un-American.
You can’t have a bunch of drunk fans in one place without a really stupid fight, and no inebriated Carb Day fight is complete without someone yelling “’Mericaaaaaaa!” in the background.
The best fan of 2017, however, was clearly Diaper Man. This is a man so dedicated to the cause of partying that he donned an adult diaper so he wouldn’t have to take a break.
Either that or Diaper Man is secretly smarter than us all, because there’s no way the rank-and-file restrooms of Indianapolis Motor Speedway weren’t completely obliterated before the race even started.
Indiana’s finest moment doesn’t end when the checkered flag is thrown, either.
The relatively sober ones leave the speedway in style, while others wisely and responsibly opt to sleep it off.
According to the BBC, 145,000 gallons of beer are consumed at the speedway on an average Indianapolis 500 race weekend—compared to only 24,000 gallons of soda.
We can believe that stat.