Let me guess, fellow member of the racing community: you didn’t buy a Halloween costume, so you’re going out in your racing suit? That’s going as yourself, buddy. The whole point of Halloween is to dress up as something you’re not, but that’s a level of slacking off that I can appreciate, if not encourage.

Admittedly, I love dressing up in costumes — it’s one of the great things about doing the 24 Hours of LeMons — but I, too, have been tempted to go as a “racing driver” when Halloween rolls around.

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I have my reasons. If you haven’t noticed, women’s off-the-rack Halloween costumes are usually terrible. Because you couldn’t pay me to leave the house as a sexy anything (much less a sexy pizza rat), I’m stuck either shelling out a sizable chunk of cash for a really nice theatrical-grade costume that isn’t made of stretchy polyester and woe or simply putting on a viking helmet and calling it good.

I will go all out on a costume if I want to, but Halloween—errrgh. I just don’t like being told what to do, especially by the calendar. I’m not going to eat turkey just because it’s Thanksgiving. Turkey is a garbage meat and I’d rather have a steak. I’m not going to buy stuff in February because the Hallmark Corporation would like to profit, either. I’m an adult. I don’t have to do meaningless things that I don’t want to do, and you don’t, either.

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I get the same level of apathy for Halloween sometimes. Halloween is a holiday that should be up my alley, but in reality, sometimes I don’t have time to put the effort into finding an original costume just for one weekend. Costumes cost money that I should blow on Porsche parts instead. My door mat says “GO AWAY” for a reason. Light’s off, kiddos. Move along.

Thus: the appeal of the racing suit. This, ladies and gents, is the one day of the year when it’s semi-socially acceptable to venture out of one’s home in what is essentially, a warm, cozy onesie for adults.

No one will assume you’re a desperate try-hard unless you start flapping your jaw to the general party-going public about winning your trackday in a GT-R. (Please, don’t do that. Ever.)

“But Stef!” says someone who I’m going to promptly ignore. “You drive race cars. That’s your suit. You can’t dress up as yourself for Halloween. That’s not how this works!”

If this guilt trip falls on deaf ears, congratulations. You and I have reached Peak Holiday Apathy, and we’re perfectly shameless about making the most of it in the most comfortable piece of clothing that we usually can’t wear outside of a race track. Hooray!

After all, nobody outside of your circle of friends knows that you went as “Me” for Halloween unless you’re super-famous or have your name on the waistband.

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In that case, you could always just swap suits with one of your equally apathetic racing buddies and say that you’re going as Sauber’s Third Driver if theirs is a bit small. However, that does require some tiny shred of effort, and I completely understand if you just don’t want to bother.

If, for reasons I can’t comprehend, you are irked about the idea of being seen as really this lazy for Halloween, here are a number of ways you can half-heartedly kludge together a “costume” out of whatever suit you have laying around the house:

The Stig

This is the obvious one. If your suit is mostly white or black, you’re basically set. There’s also any number of Stig-cousins that fit a whole rainbow of racing suit colors, so almost anyone can get away with this. Cover up any patches or designs on your suit or helmet in gaffer’s tape that matches your racing suit. Are you going as the original, black-suit Perry McCarthy Stig? Adding some green “seaweed” streamers as if you just walked out of the ocean is a nice touch. Toss on a blue tinted visor and boom: you’re done. Bring along a bendy straw if you’d like to enjoy a beverage or two.

Bonus: this is an excellent way to also get out of having to talk to people.

Santa

There’s nothing scarier than seeing Christmas stuff in freaking October, so if you have a red suit, here’s your opportunity to go as something for Halloween that’s actually terrifying. Wear a Santa hat and acquire a white beard (grown or fake). Add bits of white fluff if you care that much. If not, whatever. Merry Ch—ack, I can’t say it. IT’S STILL OCTOBER.

Satan

Here’s another idea for owners of red racing suits. Add horns. Carry pitchfork. Maybe pin on a tail, if you care. Done.

Big Bird

A bunch of dudes I know ended up with yellow suits after G-Force put them on sale. You’re 99% of the way there for a Big Bird costume in one of those. Find the appropriate Sesame Street mask and go.

Your Teammate

Acquire gaffer’s tape. Write teammate’s name on tape. Stick on waistband. Voilà! Instant costume.


Certainly there are others, but you get the idea. If you don’t want to put any effort into Halloween but are being prodded into putting on a costume anyway, I say it’s perfectly fine to wander out of your house in your own racing suit. Go forth, and embrace your lack of enthusiasm, funds and/or time.

I won’t care that you’re not in a real costume, and neither should you.

Photo credit: W. Christian Mental Ward


Contact the author at stef.schrader@jalopnik.com.

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